On 10th September 2010 I lay sprawled on my living room rug and cried, from mental exhaustion more than anything else. I felt like I had so many things to do but didn’t know where to start from. For the past few days, since the previous Tuesday, I had left my house only to stroll two minutes away to stock on Coca-Cola, popcorn and vegetables for a stew. I had cleaned my house, reorganized my underwear drawer and even moved some furniture around in my bedroom. I had re-watched two Hindi films starring Shah Rukh Khan; gone halfway through a senseless novel; and finally finished the book of poetry I was meant to be reviewing for the weekly rag I work for.
Each time I tried to focus on the review I would distract myself: Facebook, doing dishes, an ELLE back-copy I hadn’t read yet. Why couldn’t I bring myself to just face my work? Because I didn’t really want to do it anymore…and I had felt this way for many months. It wasn’t because my salary was always paid late (Welcome to Nigeria!) or because I don’t enjoy the work but because I realize that my motives are at best, rooted in fear, and at worst, evidence of some infidelity on my part.
Let me explain:
I have a pretty fortunate life. God has been faithful to me and whenever I’m making proper use of my talents, He blesses my efforts. But lately, I’ve shied away from making beaded jewellery although I have a registered business, IYANNU. I’ve stalled on the events ideas that have been swirling in my mind – some since 2007! And I’ve been cautious with my manuscript… All because I’ve harboured the sneaky feeling that if I should just focus on these things, I may not have any money to tide me through the months while I work away at building my businesses. On the flip side, I devote energy elsewhere and I still have a slow trickle of cash.
So what do I do? Should I quit another job? Or find a way to meaningfully combine? Will I be putting more pressure on myself or not?
On 10.11.10 I went to bed still thinking about it and my scattered dreams expressed this concern. But when I woke up at 5.30am the next day, I was certain of at least one thing – I am loved by the Universe that I inhabit and I’m always provided for. This assurance is the reason I will continue to work hard at whatever task comes my way because I know I will always find my way. I’m not quitting my job yet. Instead I will be dedicated and infuse my work with the love I have for my craft. After all, there are 24 hours in the day and I have many things to fill them up with!
Things are really clearer in the morning.
KEEP THE FAITH!